Breakups are never easy, especially when one or both partners have Borderline personality disorder (BPD). If you are wondering whether your ex with BPD will come back after a breakup, it's important to understand that there is not one answer that fits all situations. The likelihood of your BPD ex coming back is dependent on the severity of their BPD symptoms, their motivation, and the dynamic of your relationship.
On forums, I come across the question: "Do BPD partners come back after a breakup?" quite frequently. In this article, we'll discuss if BPD exes come back and when BPD exes come back.
There are so many reasons for someone with BPD to leave a relationship, and I can't speak on behalf of every individual who has BPD. But I will try to map out a few common scenarios.
Do BPD partners come back?
The intense emotions and impulsive behaviors that are common in BPD can make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. They struggle with trusting and communicating properly, and a slight shift in the relationship may trigger intense emotions, which can cause impulsive decision-making. Splitting, also known as black-and-white thinking, which is a symptom of BPD, could also be the reason for your ex with BPD to no longer want to come back after a breakup. Splitting is essentially shifting from idealizing a person to completely devaluing them. When this happens, the individual with BPD changes their view of someone from entirely good to entirely evil. However, not everyone with BPD experiences this symptom to the same degree or experiences it the same way. One holds onto these views permanently, but for someone else, it could fluctuate over time. One regrets their impulsive decision, while the other wants to never see or hear from their ex ever again.
A defining characteristic of BPD is their fear of abandonment, which can make it difficult for someone with BPD to cope with the end of a relationship. Fear of abandonment may cause them to think: ''I'm getting out of the relationship before they can hurt me.'' They live with this constant fear that people are going to leave them, and sometimes that gets so intense that they decide to end the relationship themselves. But afterward, they may feel intense emotional pain and struggle with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and worthlessness. And in some cases, someone with BPD may do everything in their power to recover the relationship in an effort to avoid these painful emotions. This is, of course, not the only reason they might end a relationship. Maybe it's just as simple as they are not feeling that way about the person anymore, and maybe it has nothing to do with their BPD.
Sometimes after ending a relationship, they feel regret and rush into another relationship to try and make up for the pain caused by the first one. Sometimes someone with BPD wants to get back, but they just can't say: ''I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you.'' because they still live with that constant fear of abandonment.
''If someone doesn't want to be with us, we cannot make them want to be with us.''
Ultimately, whether your BPD ex will come back after a breakup will depend on a variety of factors, including the specific dynamics of your relationship, the severity of their BPD symptoms, and their level of motivation to work on themselves and the relationship. Even then, each person is unique whether or not they have BPD. It's important to remember that you cannot control another person's actions or decisions, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries. Additionally, if you are considering getting back together with an ex who has BPD, it's important to be aware of the potential challenges and to seek support from a therapist or trusted friend.
When do BPD exes come back?