My Relationship with Suicidal Thoughts; From Someone with BPD

Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) frequently experience intense emotions, feelings of emptiness, disruptions in their sense of identity, and anxiety that can become so overwhelming that they may lose hope in the possibility of improvement. Given the intense emotional and psychological pain caused by this disorder, it is not uncommon for those affected by BPD to have suicidal thoughts.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings, it's important to seek help immediately. Suicidal ideation can be a serious and life-threatening condition, and it's not something that should be ignored or dismissed. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, please reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis hotline. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and you do not have to go through this alone. And if you're in need of a support group, I have a free and anonymous Discord channel that you can join here.

I've been wanting to write about this topic for a while, but I wasn't sure what the best approach was. If I make it too professional, it may lack authenticity, and if I'm too reckless, it may trigger someone or have a negative impact. Unfortunately, our society often avoids talking about suicide as it's deemed culturally or socially unacceptable. This can lead to people feeling ashamed or judged for their thoughts, leading to increased feelings of isolation and hopelessness, which in turn only raises the risk of suicide. My goal with this article is to encourage open and honest communication about the topic and share my own experience dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was seven years old.

Understanding BPD Suicidal Thoughts

Understanding why someone would want to die when they have never experienced suicidal thoughts can seem absurd. Sadly, suicidal ideation is often dismissed or disregarded by society because it can be hard for many to comprehend. A lot of people assume those who express suicidal thoughts are seeking attention or are cowardly for their emotions. However, it is not right to judge someone for going through something that is incredibly frightening and lonely. Those who experience suicidal ideation require support, not criticism or belittlement.

It's important to remember that if others don't comprehend or acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, it doesn't invalidate them. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to feel the way you do. However, it's also important to acknowledge that others may have different perspectives and experiences, which can lead to different interpretations of a situation. Ultimately, we all experience life in unique ways, and it's crucial to approach each other with compassion and empathy.

Individuals with suicidal thoughts feel overwhelmed by their emotional state, and it feels as if there is no escape. They experience mental agony and torment. They feel that death is the only way out, but they also have an innate desire to fight and hold on to life. They long to live, but they can't seem to find a way to do so. They feel like they have exhausted all their choices, and the pain they feel is beyond their control. They are continuously isolated in their thoughts, and finding pleasure in things no longer seems important. Even basic tasks feel like a chore, and sleeping becomes their only escape from agony.

Read more on: Why do people with BPD self-harm?

My personal experience with suicidal thoughts

When I was seven, I went to my primary school teacher and expressed that I didn't want to live anymore. When she asked me why, I explained that I couldn't bear the thought of a future filled with nothing but sleeping, eating, working, and repeating the same routine every day. She, and everyone else that she informed, didn't understand why I would say such things as a seven-year-old boy. I told her that life didn't make sense to me, and even though I didn't fully understand it myself, I meant what I said.

Growing up in an abusive, invalidating, and unstable household made it difficult to fully comprehend my underlying issues, but it was clear where they originated from. As a child, and even in adulthood, it's often challenging to understand why you feel a certain way. When you're in distress, and your parents are unwilling or unable to help, it's easy to feel lost and develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Over the years, I underwent psychotherapy, group therapies, received several diagnoses, and tried various medications. While these efforts helped me understand myself better, cope with certain things, and sometimes even kept me alive, the suicidal thoughts never truly disappeared. These thoughts became a coping mechanism for me, a way to handle situations when I'm overwhelmed emotionally. In those moments, I might tell myself, ''If everything goes wrong, I could always end it all.'' I recognize that these thoughts are harmful, yet it offers a strange sense of comfort and helps me manage intense emotions and feelings of despair. Because it's a potential escape from the pain.

Individuals with BPD are unfortunately known to make suicide threats, which I'm also guilty of. But when someone threatens suicide, it should always be taken seriously, even if they do not genuinely want to die but merely want the pain to stop. The problem is that people who experience it often believe that their pain will never end, and this can be incredibly challenging to deal with.

While I acknowledge that discussing suicide can be triggering, I feel compelled to share my own opinion based on my experiences. I've personally lost a former partner and a friend to suicide. I would never blame someone for taking their own life. I understand firsthand the struggles and pain associated with BPD. But it is disheartening that these people are vulnerable to impulsive decision-making during times of heightened emotional distress, which can lead to devastating outcomes. While many consider it a selfish act, I believe it's not necessary to label it as such. But there is no denying that threatening suicide is a serious issue. Although it may come across as manipulative or threatening to others, it is important to understand that for the person contemplating suicide, the feelings are very real. Unfortunately, they unintentionally hurt the loved ones around them.

You are not alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or any other mental health concerns, please seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional. If you're in need of immediate support, please click on this link to access a crisis hotline.