Updated: Jul 14
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) patients often have intense relationships, but what happens when both partners have BPD? Their BPD will cause problems for both parties and make the relationship difficult, but there is no reason why the two of them cannot get together. In fact, BPD sufferers are attracted to those who understand them and who provide and demand constant attention like someone with BPD.
In this article, we'll discuss if someone with BPD can date someone with BPD and if people with BPD are attracted to others with BPD.
Can a BPD date a BPD?
BPD dating another BPD is two times the tremendous high of idealized love, emotional intensity, pleasure, excitement, adventure, and passion. It’s also double the lows, fears of abandonment, violence, outbursts, exhaustion, and suicidality. The relationship is extremely difficult but also very beautiful.
''When two tornadoes collide, they merge into a single tornado.''
When 2 people who have BPD are dating, they share the tendency to stay in contact all day long, and everything is focused on this relationship. If one of the BPD sufferers feels insecure, naturally, the other would give reassurance without needing to ask because they both understand the importance. They are each other's safe place where they trust each other and where they could share their feelings of rage, sadness, or fear of abandonment. Home is where the other person is, and they couldn't imagine better highs than this. Most people without BPD would find this kind of relationship to be overwhelming and too much.
However, it's an intense love-hate relationship. There is pure happiness that makes you both believe you have discovered "the one." However, one slight disagreement can trigger intense anger or the fear of abandonment. They can go from being the perfect match to experiencing splitting, distrust, and even hating one another in an instant. But if they are both willing to acknowledge that they have this problem, they could help each other through it with a lot of maturity and respect. However, both have to recognize that they are unable to self-soothe, are insecure, and are not capable of controlling their emotions. They both constantly fear each other leaving, and therefore, they mainly act out of fear. One might initiate a breakup before the other can. Yet a week later, they're back together as if nothing ever happened. They most likely do sincerely love each other, but the relationship won't survive unless they both decide to seek help and set limits with one another. If they don't, the result will be very painful since the fall from grace is excruciating. It may be the toughest thing they have ever experienced, and when that relationship ends, they could even become suicidal.
What happens when both partners have BPD?
Two individuals, neither of whom has a fixed identity, are each attempting to obtain an identity from the other. Two emotional children locked in adult bodies. Both are suffocated by the other's unmet needs, are showing pushing and pulling behaviors, aren't strong enough to support one other emotionally, engage in impulsive behavior to harm the other, and are unable of controlling their own dramas and stress that they cause in their life. It's BPD vs. BPD.
The positive thing about this relationship is that they can both support each other in learning how to self-soothe and in recognizing when they are splitting. They can support each other in making positive changes if they are both willing to do so. Therefore, the relationship has the potential to go either way, very badly or incredibly well. They both live on the edge, and this relationship is a double-edged sword. Definitely the most exciting and simultaneously torturous type of relationship.
Opinions on what the other had said, done, not said, not done, and promised to do but didn't... grows and spiral into fights. For example, imagine sitting on the couch and waiting until your partner shows love, sits beside you, or kisses you, etc., but they are doing the exact same. So you'll both get frustrated because you are not getting attention or validation. And since someone with BPD is hypersensitive to negative emotion, the frustration from the other will be perceived as an attack.
In the end, it depends on the individuals. Everyone and every relationship are different. If they’re not managing their condition at all, the relationship will be toxic. However, if they're committed to therapy, then it could be a healthy relationship. It heavily depends on how they communicate and deal with their own issues. Both sides will face challenges as a result of their BPD, and the relationship will be challenging, but there is no reason why the two of them cannot stay or get together.
Are BPD attracted to other BPD?