My BPD Journal

Updated: Feb 11

These are some of my personal observations living with Borderline Personality Disorder. This article will be updated while I'm going through everyday life living with BPD.

I struggle with BPD in every field of my life.


Friends

I feel like I can't have friends. Whenever something stressful happens, I would send a text message with ''I don't want to be friends'' to those who are not even included in the situation. At that moment, I push everyone away, so no one is left to hurt me. It's very tiring for the people around me, and they don't know what to do. It makes me feel guilty, shameful, and tired of myself.


I feel extremely lonely since my friends don't feel like friends. It feels like nobody understands me, and they're there for me only because they feel bad. Even when they prove time and again that they are there for me and support me in everything I do, they can't fulfill my emotional needs. The only time someone fulfilled my emotional needs was when I had loving relationships.


I had periods when I did feel a connection with friends. But when a tiny bit of distance is created, it feels like the friendship never existed. This is the case with many other statements in this article, a classic form of black and white thinking.


Rarely feeling a connection with people manifests a feeling of emptiness. a connection with people manifests a feeling of emptiness.


Relationships

One moment I adore someone, and moments later, you are my enemy. It does not happen out of the blue, but a small conflict can trigger and change my perspective.


When I meet a potential someone, I quickly break my own heart by having too high expectations because the willingness for connection is too strong. I get so emotionally invested before anything has happened.


Forming a relationship isn't hard, but keeping the relationship feels almost impossible. I say almost because someone used to be able to keep up with me for longer than anyone else. But even then, I found a way to destroy it. Fear of abandonment takes over, and I can't think for myself anymore. Survival mechanisms from childhood trauma emerge, and it affects my thoughts, behavior, and mood. I make choices I don't want to make, making me feel paranoid, and live with regret later on.


Heartbreak is one of, if not the, hardest experiences to deal with when having BPD. I've noticed that my perception of what I'm worth and who I am is heavily dependent on how someone else sees me. There is nothing left inside when the relationship is over. It feels as if the entire world collapses, but you're the only one seeing it. I know this is something everyone will eventually deal with, but there is a difference when having BPD. The emotions are more extreme and can occur when I knew someone for just a day. Surviving heartbreak with a borderline personality is not easy.


Conversation

I feel as if I can't express who I am when meeting new people. I copy their behavior, likes, and dislikes. I'm afraid of getting rejected or disliked by the person when I disagree with something they say. It can lead to someone never knowing what my views are and doing things I don't like. This comes down to having low self-esteem. I refer to this as the chameleon personality trait.


Work

I don't know what I want in life and when I do, it doesn't last very long. Everything I do feels worthless, and that feels painful since I'm seeking something meaningful.


I feel as if I can't function in society. The work I should be doing is unsatisfactory, and I'd rather not want to live if that's what I'm going to spend most of my time on.


To be able to live in society, I need income which gives me extreme anxiety since I can't get myself to work an average job. And everything I can get myself doing doesn't give me a minimal income to survive.


With the things I'm doing, as of today, my mood changes on an hourly basis from "I can make this work" to "This is all useless, and I will get nowhere".


It's been a few years since I've felt sure of what I want.


Family

I've never physically harmed myself, but I do have a lot of suicidal tendencies. My family is the only thing that is preventing me from making that final decision.


I feel like I hurt them when I live, but I hurt them, even more, when I would die.


In this article, I use "I feel like" instead of stating it as a fact since I am aware that my feelings about myself and the world are frequently not what reality is. However, it feels like my reality. Although I am aware, it makes it more difficult, rather than making it easier.